Winter Speech 2021

Delivered by Isaac Torcellini at Duck Day.

Scramble the Duck has made his prediction, and subsequently chose this scroll, which I am to read.

Hear ye! all New England! the weather I foretell
To help us all prepare, wherever we excel.
New Englanders, including I, have preferences of the weather.
But, like all New Englanders, I always look for better.
For instance, maple syrup must come out of a tree;
To those who make it other ways—I strongly disagree.
Our maple treats rival or’e sugary concoctions
Which people make despite the fact they never sell at auction.
But I digress—I will move on to what I do the best.
It’s the weather that I focus on—I’m practically obsessed.
I studied arts of science to understand the truth
And focused on obtaining knowledge ever since my youth.
My methods are not silly, they are actually quite strong.
To prove the science works, I’ve shown I’m never wrong.
Groundhogs are just imposters that try to foresee weather,
And always fail to do so because they don’t have feathers.
Indeed, feathers are part of New England heritage;
These warm down jackets are handed down from parentage.
They keep ducks warm for when the weather becomes wintry,
While groundhogs hide in their house eating from the pantry.
I think I’ve ‘stablished well by now that ducks are the predictors;
However hard the groundhogs try, the ducks are always victors.
This is why we meet today on this winter morning.
All of you will hear the weather I’m forewarning.
While we may not be in person here today,
I hope that we can enjoy our new livestream display.
While it may not live up to standards of auld lang syne,
The lives we save from staying home will simply all-out shine.
Thus, with a happy heart this prediction scroll I chose
For the sake of you, my friends; thinking not of woes
That will come when I foretell the weather here today.
This scroll have I chosen now; the weather’s underway.
Now, just because I may say something that, for you, displeases,
Do not turn to furry rodents who always give me wheezes.
I will be right—mark my words—my shadow have I seen.
Let us continue in our normal winter routine.
The rivers will freeze, the snow will blow, the snowplows will plow,
The snow stay, the milk will freeze when we milk the cow.
But think again, New England—of complaining of the weather.
If this scroll disappoints you, try to look for better.
Contentment is not taken from foul things as weather.
It is found in other things that are always for better.
My shadow have I seen today; the cold is here to stay!
Today more winter’s coming—it is shortly underway.

Six More Weeks of Winter